By Sally Anne Sessitte
Hashtag momlife is a lot, no matter where you are. Hats off to all moms who are surviving — maybe not thriving — at the end of the summer doing the absolute most and working hard to make it to that first full day of school. No surprise that Southerners — especially Southern moms — are doing a little extra. Here are a few specifically Southern ways we do back-to-school down here.
Sneak-a-peek: You thought you were just running up to the school in leggings and a ponytail to pop in and sign some school forms? Oh no, ma’am, sneak a peek in the South is a full blowout and sundress social event. August is when the Southern Alpha moms line up volunteers for every school fundraiser, PTO event, and class party. Don’t know what you’re doing at 8 p.m. on March 13 of next year? Don’t worry: the room mom does. You’re making 28 gluten-free, no-red-40 cupcakes with icing in school colors. Don’t forget a side of vegan fruit leather for the child of the yoga mom. Don’t worry — the Alpha moms have already lined yoga mom up to sage the classroom and give the teachers a free private yoga session during teacher appreciation month.
You’ll need a gift for the teacher. Plan ahead — as soon as your principal tells you which teacher you got, you’ll need to get her initials so you can get that order in for monogrammed stationery or personalized classroom décor in her classroom theme. This is given by your child at the sneak-a-peek. Don’t worry, you’ll get a Venmo request from the Alpha moms that will say, “This is all you need to do.” Spoiler alert: This is not, in fact, all you need to do.
Don’t say you heard this from me, but if you’re a Beta mom coming in on two wheels with kids wearing damp swimsuit bottoms instead of underwear and mismatched flip flops, and you’ve forgotten to plan ahead, a small bottle of something strong and a mixer absolutely works. Bonus that this also makes it clear that you’re not a regular mom, you’re a cool mom, and she can expect your child’s projects to be done by — your child — and that you generally won’t be competing in the mompetition for best snacks, costumes, theme apparel, or Valentine cards. Will there be a child who gives out personalized Valentine cards with hand calligraphy on linen cardstock with a personalized friendship bracelet, and a ticket to Taylor Swift’s next show on the back? Every year. Go ahead and set the expectation that your child will roll in with a pack of CVS Bluey Valentines. This will save everyone a lot of, “Do you want to handle the fruit kabobs for the class party” text messages.
Note: A mid-to-large-sized bottle is recommended if you’ve got a child who is wide open, spirited, a handful, all-boy, or “a mess.” Make sure it’s tucked way down into that gift bag, and make sure the note says, “You know you can text me any time,” which is Southern for, “Let’s not get the principal involved.”
I cannot stress this enough: Coach the children on what to say, and more importantly, what not to say. They’ve already been taught ma’am and sir, and not to interrupt adults. Consider adding these to the NO list: Do not repeat anything you have heard your mama say to her Mahjong friends about the teacher. We love our teacher, and this is definitely the exact teacher we wanted. Mama was just joking when she said she would quit the school if we ended up in this little dingbat’s class. Do not ask the teacher how old she is or if she has a baby in her tummy. If the teacher happens to be offering Blow Pops, take one and say “thank you,” but do not tell her these are the exact thing they give out to kids at the Midtown Package Shop drive-through window.
Back to School Photo Shoot: Your porch fall display may not be up yet, and it may be 100 degrees in the shade, but the annual photo shoot is not optional. If your socials are not pinging all day, showing off porches, kids, and signs, you’re probably not in the South. The sign needs to be customized, extra points for cute lettering, or a quick humble brag. Angle those kids so you get the best side of the planters, and make sure your caption includes something sentimental about how fast they grow up. If you are organized enough to whip out that porch photo from the first day of MMO and to have made a photo-worthy “back to school breakfast” on the good china, this is your time to shine. This is also a great way to communicate that you are the mom who can be called upon to run the register at the PTO fundraiser and keep up with all the auction paperwork.
Carpool Cry Lane: Carpool drop off is a contact sport, and under normal circumstances, slow it down at your own peril. Seriously — your school’s traffic pattern is required reading. Learn it well if you don't want to be the topic of many group texts. But that first day — at every single grade from MMO all the way up — it is a time-honored tradition to have yourself a little come apart at drop off. You may feel alone wiping your eyes, but you’re not.
We don’t all do momlife the same way in the South. But we do all know and understand that same dropoff day feeling. That proud, sad, stressed, tired, how did we get here, first-day-of-school mom stomachache. Whether you are heading to a moms-only-mimosas back-to-school brunch or straight to a long day of work after dropoff, know that it is your right as a Southern mama to pull that car over and have yourself a little come apart. Then, you do what we do down here — put a little color on your lips, take a deep breath, and move to the next thing on the list.
Share your thoughts and suggestions with SASS at SallyAnne@magnoliaandmoonshine.com.
