by Sally Anne Sissitte
Holiday Manners are like vacation spankings — They are not talked about much, but they are extremely helpful when everyone is dressed up and tired and in need of a little course correction. Here are a few basic things to keep in mind as we gear up for the hustle and bustle of the holiday season in the South.
If this is you, consider running for office. For the rest of us, if a surprise request to bless the food or say a few words about the birthday boy makes you break out in a cold sweat, here is a tip. When you respond to the invitation — which you will, because manners — drop a little note onto your calendar for the day before the party to just jot down a few thoughts just in case. Is this a pain? It absolutely is. Dear reader, this is much less painful than blurting out a panicked “bless the meat; let’s eat” when your new mother-in-law asks you to bless the food at your first family Thanksgiving. Don’t ask how I know; I just do. If the thought of saying anything to a group gives you an instant panic attack, see Number 2 below.
HOSTESS HEADS UP
If you have something in particular going on that your hostess needs to know, it costs you zero dollars to give a “heads up” a few days before the event. Severe nut allergy and a new beau? Let her know. Taking a break from booze and bringing your own bottle of water? Working through a tricky issue with your teenager or elderly parent or soon-to-be ex? A quick call letting your hostess know might spare some awkward moments for both of you.
EVERY INVITATION DESERVES A PROMPT RESPONSE
Positive or negative. Can’t make it? Thank you so much; I cannot come, but please invite me again. That’s really all you need to do. We’ve talked about this before: your hostess just wants to know how much liquor to buy and how much pimiento cheese to order. Your hostess does not want a 500-word essay and one-act play about all the reasons you can’t make it. Pro tip: When you do regret, don’t delete the party off the calendar and here’s why: seeing it there will remind you to keep a low profile that evening. It is perfectly fine to say no. It is not fine to say no and then be seen having cocktails with a different crowd that evening. Yes, we know — your prior plans canceled, and it’s all very innocent. But your host doesn’t know this, and it’ll be hard to explain after the fact.
HOSTESSES
Just like your pastor says at marriage counseling, be clear about your needs. If you need to know whether folks are coming, tell your guests that in the invitation. There is nothing wrong with a “please let me know.” Don’t do a casual invite and then fuss about no-shows. If you ask folks to respond and they don’t, it is entirely OK to reach out to them a few days prior and ask if they think they’ll make it. If you ask folks to respond and they ignore the invite and then show up late with some extras, set another place setting and keep things moving.
DRESS CODE
The unmitigated panic and dread that arises when the invitation says “Delta casual” or “snappy casual,” and you have no idea what to wear. Some Southerners obey the clock rules: Tuxes, for example, don’t show up until after 6 p.m.. Some Southerners say the invitation gives clues: engraved in subtle colors, dress up; red and white gingham printed, dress down. This Southerner says to pick up your phone — only if you’re not at the table — and say (or text) this: “Just got the precious/gorgeous invitation. We would love to come. Please tell me what you and Mr. Hostess are wearing.”
If you are considering requiring guests to wear clothing in one of three selected colors to ensure the backgrounds of your photographs are insta-worthy, I think you’ve picked this magazine up by accident, and you may need more help than I can offer here. Bless your heart.
The most important rule of social dress is this: do not make someone feel bad if they are under-dressed. The southern solution to someone showing up in short sleeves to a coat and tie party is for Mr. Hostess to take off his jacket, roll up his sleeves, and loosen his tie. True manners exist to make people feel comfortable. In the South, kindness manners are more important than fork and spoon manners.
BE A JOY ADDER
A holiday party is not a charity supper. You were not invited because the hostess thinks you are hungry and need a meal or can’t get a glass of wine at home. You were invited because the hostess wants you to bring your sweet and special self and to add something to the party. Show up to this holiday social season to be a joy adder, and it won’t matter if you’re a bit late or a bit under-dressed or have a few sad moments in a few conversations. The main thing — as with most things — is the showing up.
May your invitations get responses and your drinks be strong! Happy socializing!
Email your thoughts to sallyanne@magnolianadmoonshine.com